Archive for June, 2008

Oulets

June 22, 2008

For the past 6 years or so I have sprung out of bed each Sunday morning all excited and happy about broadcasting a live show via the internet. I’d start with a music show at 5:00 Pm and stream tunes that I’d selected during the week or sometimes listeners would request a song or two. I generally selected music which best conveyed my emotional state or that of our community.

I’m in week 2 of my abstinence from live broadcasting and I have to say that I miss it more than I thought I would. The release that I felt over sharing these emotionally charged songs was very satisfying and it helped with my stress management. It sounds odd and even a little childish but I really felt as though the people who tuned in just to listen to that portion of the broadcast understood and we shared a common bond of expression. I don’t know what I’m going to do yet, to fill that void but I think this blog is a good place to start. You won’t find much in the way of politics ( a sprinkle here and there) but you will find me sharing my thoughts, emotions and every once in a while you just might hear that angry voice, after all, this is my outlet.

Advertisements

You Get What You Give

June 16, 2008

I have given up broadcasting my live show on TransFM and will instead donate the money I was spending on broadcasting, to Massachusetts Transgender Political Coalition. My Live broadcast will be suspended until transgender people in Massachusetts have equality. Please help us by donating to MTPC today.

The Flood Gates

June 15, 2008

One of the reasons why I don’t blog is because I have trouble when it comes to writing down what I want to say. The other reason is because I have so much to say that I’m afraid I’ll end up writing too much and then I end up writing nothing at all.

I think I’ll start off by talking about the one thing that has been on my mind the most lately. When I was 13 years old, I moved from Massachusetts to New Hampshire. I realize that doesn’t seem very far but when you’re 13 and have gone to school with the same group of kids since you were 5, it’s a world away. We moved to the tiny town of Atkinson, NH where I met one of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life. Her name was Nancy and we became friends almost instantly. I don’t think I can write about our friendship in detail at this time but someday, I will.

Anyway, a week ago this past Friday on June 6, I got a phone call from my mom letting me know that Nancy had died that Wednesday and her wake was Friday evening. There was nothing in the newspaper that said how she died, just that she died at home.

The wake was at 6:00 PM but I didn’t find out about her death until 5:00 so I had to decide right away if I should go to the wake or not. Sorting through my emotions and trying to decide if I should go was very difficult. I hadn’t seen Nancy nor her family since my transition and I decided that her wake was probably not the best time for me to show up. I know her family would not have recognized me but they would have wondered who I was and might even ask me. What the hell was I suppose to say? It hurt like hell to not be able to go and say good-bye to Nancy. It hurt like hell to not be able do what everyone else who knew her and loved her was able to do. It was the first time in a long time that I resented being transgender and I was mad at myself for feeling that way.

I had to speak at the New England transgender pride march and Rally the following day and I managed to put Nancy’s death in the back of my mind, just hovering above consciousness. (More on Transpride later).

I waited until this past Tuesday and went to the Atkinson Cemetery where Nancy is buried, found her grave and said my good-byes. Just as I was pulling away in my car, I played her favorite song from 1975, one of the best summers of my childhood. I’ll always miss Nancy and I’m so sorry that I thought we’d have more time.